A mugging in San Telmo.

It’s 3.30 at night, my end of my first day in Buenos Aires.  It’s been a very long day on the plane, in the airports, banks, taxis, cafes, hotels, apartments and casinos.  We are finishing our last beers, in Placa Dorrego.  This is a charming leafy square in the heart of San Telmo, oldest and most bohemian of Buenos Aires barrios.

I encourage Nefta to walk Selina to the bus.   As far as I am concerned these young people should get married immediately.  The flat I share with Nefta is in the other direction to the bus stop, so I tell him I’ll wait for him here in the square.  I do consider escourting them both to the bus stop, but the area feels safe.  Besides, my young Spanish friend may wish to kiss his friend.   I don’t wish to cramp his style.

They return to the square ten minutes later,  together, pale and shaken.   Two local thugs have tried to rob them, a block and a half away.  I am all empathy.  I am also impressed with their conduct.  They are unhurt and unscathed.  Besides, the thieves got nothing.

As far as I can gather the transaction went like this.  Translated from Spanish of course.

 

‘Hood Rats appear on dark street, push young Spaniard and young German into doorway.

‘Hood Rat 1-   Okay, this is a stick-up.  We have a knife.

– Shocked pause.

Nefta-  Shit, I’m really sorry, we don’t have any money.

Hood Rat 2 (with nasty sneer)  Yeah, right, pull the other one.

Selina- No really, we’ve just been to the casino, we lost everything.

Hood 2-  You want to get hurt?  We have a knife.  Give us your wallet.

Nefta-  I don’t use a wallet, and we really don’t have any money.

‘Hood Rat 1-  That’s very bad news for you man.  We cut you bad right now.

 

Slightly embarassed pause……

 

Nefta-  Emmm…. Please don’t be annoyed. But just out of interest, where is the actual knife?

Hood Rat 1-  Don’t get smart, I promise you motherf**ker, the last thing you want to see is my knife.  It’ll be the last thing you ever see on this earth. 

Nefta- Sure, normally that would be the case.  I’m just curious.

Hood-  Yeah, well your curiosity gonna get you hurt bad, cabrón.

A further, longer, embarassed pause…

Nefta, (continued)-   I only mean,  this is a mugging, right?  Isn’t that the norm?  You want our money, so you threaten us with the knife?  It’s only fair to show the knife.  If I had any money, I would definitely give it to someone with a knife.

Hood Rat 1-  You don’t know when to shut your mouth, do you?

Nefta-   Sorry, I’m only saying..

Selina- And we’re very sorry we don’t have any money. 

Hoods hestitate, consider their options.   But hesitation- as everyone knows- is fatal.   Uniformed police squad car slowly prowls around corner to the right,, two blocks down.  Then very slowly it turns… left, in time to save the day .   Hoods give one final glare.   Hoods depart.   Young Europeans breathe deep sigh of relief, and return  to the square, trembling,  or at least mildly shaken.